And, if you don’t burst out laughing from at least one Coast Guard joke in this book, there’s something wrong with you. Attention! Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5. by PO Bilge Rat | Jun 28, 2017 | USCG Jokes & Humor. Other branches obviously charge forward with "not even in the military" but the Coast Guard has definitely seen its share of life and death operations on the high seas, dealing with drug dealers, and even … Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days', If you believe USCG really stands for "Uncle Sams Confused Group". Can anybody hear me? Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway". A high school swim champion with a troubled past enrolls in the U.S. Coast Guard's "A" School, where legendary rescue swimmer Ben Randall teaches him some hard lessons about loss, love, and self-sacrifice. My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. The Coast Guard Commander shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! The last one was automated 10 years ago, said Lt. j.g. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English. Funny Coast Guard Jokes Wall Art. The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. Just remember, all international radio traffic must be in ze English", and leaves. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. What the Recruiter Never Told You About Military Promotions, Check out the Military Weapons Typically Used in Basic Combat Training, Coast Guard Yeoman Job Description: Salary, Skills, & More, All About Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer Training, You know instantly that "work smarter, not harder" means billet cuts, People ask you what you're doing beyond the three-mile limit, You get married to move out of the barracks, You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing the lack of Cutterman's pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand". During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. You panic when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than blue. On the first day his floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave. Coast Guard Jokes Marines Jokes. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! For example: If you abbreviate words so much that you forget how to spell them out. Here are some jokes about the military and all its branches, specifically the Coast Guard. A Coast Guard officer responded, “Please give your location.” “I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.” The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?” “I-75, two miles south of Standish.” A longer pause. - Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY. I dont know if the Coast Guard finds that very funny, but i guess the funny part is that i believed it. 0. What Are Some Tactics for Getting Through Coast Guard Boot Camp? You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15-second blip on TV when you hear the words "Coast Guard"! Here is a list of punchlines. Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea.". Your wife looks at you strangely and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!". My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." I was active duty in the 25th ID out in Hawaii, so I …. Most heard Quotes from the United States Coast Guard. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. Navy Jokes Others. my wife will think i was in a whore house!" However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. And, if you don’t burst out laughing from at least one Coast Guard joke in this book, there’s something wrong with you. I didn't quite catch it at first, but then he started laughing and revealed that it was a little joke that fellow military men play with the Coast Guard. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore. The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood. Change View Filter. Get link for other Social Networks. 100 characters remaining. One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out. #CoastGuard #navy #playing A big Army car came up with a general seated in … "Gut Mornink, Hans," says the old hand. Directed by Andrew Davis. They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded. dont put that shit on me! Alligator Shoes. 20 Political Jokes That Will Get You a Good Laugh Reader's Digest Editors Updated: Jan. 26, 2020 Take a break from reading about politics in the news and check out these hilarious jokes … Check out this list of You Might Be a Coastie If punchlines. : army. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . Personalized. Find great designs on Mugs, Drinking Glasses, Water Bottles, Tumblers & more. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck. In the state of emergency, he follows routine and calls the local coastguard: ...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. Image: U.S. Coast Guard - Military humor. This book has so many Coast Guard jokes, you won’t know where to start. The Admiral turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. Sgt. I work with a guy who is joining the Coast Guard soon and I need some ammo for talking shit. My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Anything will fit if you apply enough force. This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" Coast Guard Boats Coast Guard Ships Coast Guard Rescue Us Navy Coast Gaurd Us National Guard Military Jokes Coast Guard Cutter Utility Boat. Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly was caught on a hot mic Wednesday telling President Donald Trump in jest that he should use a sword on the press. Give me your best Coast Guard insults. Very boring it was. in the real world. Soldier Stands Guard. and "Death to all Infidels! Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon. ). A joke about a Coast Guard Commander and housekeeping. The husband picks it up. Article by The Balance. She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" Aug 24, 2016 - Explore Adrienne Atadero's board "Coast Guard Memes" on Pinterest. Suddenly, out in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking "woof, woof!". Add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter. If your child refers to the boat or station as "where Daddy lives". You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your non-rates ... or is it the other way around? Free Returns 100% Satisfaction Guarantee Fast Shipping "As you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller. With Kevin Costner, Ashton Kutcher, Sela Ward, Melissa Sagemiller. A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. Filter. A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me.". U.S.M.C.= United States Mommy's Crybabies. The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean. He replies again "God will s. A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. To join the Coast Guard, you need a higher ASVAB AFQT score to join than you do with any other branch. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. 176. The funny military jokes and on this list are for soldiers and civilians alike. This military humor will crack you up whether you’re in the Army, Marines, Navy, or Air Force. What Is the Coast Guard College Student Pre Commissioning Initiative? Seeing that the coast … This book has so many Coast Guard jokes, you won’t know where to start. You've ever laughed when watching the CG commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered why all they show is helo's and small boats, You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis, After boot camp, you've never fired a gun, Your port calls have more bars in them than people, You consider the door falling off your aircraft natural air conditioning, While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness", Members of other branches of the service visit your workspace and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!". Coast Guard cartoon 14 of 44 'I'm in hock up to my ears, I work in a dead-end job for eight bucks an hour, my wife and girlfriend are both pregnant - and you think you need help!' as they were each nearly finished, their barbers were about to slap the after shave on each of their faces. Personalized. You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about. The admiral says "hey! Coast Guard Repatriates 110 Haitians Aboard an Overloaded Boat New Naval Strategy Zeroes in on China as Biggest Long-Term Threat to the US Congress Authorizes New Arctic Icebreakers for Coast Guard However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with … ). The cat closes in upon them as the terrified baby mice back into the corner with no where to run. Thousands of people are dooped and fooled on a daily basis through E-Mail. A Navy admiral and a coast guard chief were in a barber shop. If your ship is handed a list of businesses your crew is not welcome at during their port call... You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base... You've woken up in the "red zone" in Panama. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. That hasn't stopped anyone from making fun of the Coast Guard. A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. Ed Westfall, the lighthouse program manager for the U.S. Coast Guard’s Fifth District, based in Portsmouth. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?". Other branches obviously charge forward with "not even in the military" but the Coast Guard has definitely seen its share of life and death operations on the high seas, dealing with drug dealers, and even being deployed in the War on Terror overseas to handle port security and other coastal threats. The email may be a sad story about a little girl who has cancer. One has coast guards, the other has ghost cards. While the minimum requirements for all the branches change with the needs of the service, a score of a 30-40 will get a prospective recruit into any of the other services, the Coast Guard expects a minimum of 40-50 from their applicants. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". Apparently off-shore drilling is … Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I. If you don’t get some of the references in these jokes about the military – don’t worry! Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking. You might be a Coastie if your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker. Kaitlin Olsen ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") shows up as Edison Jaymes, a billionaire tech huckster who's half Elon Musk, half Elizabeth Holmes from … Post Cancel. Shop CafePress for Funny Coast Guard Jokes Drinkware. U.S. Coast Guard Diving Program Information, Learn About Coast Guard Humanitarian Assignments, U.S. Military 101 - Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard, The Correct Way to Display O-6 Rank Insignia How Eagle Should Face. ", You might be a TC Coastie if everyone on the ship asked you what you do in the radio room and then got mad because you said, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!". 0. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores". The Best Ever Book of Coast Guard Jokes is so unoriginal, it’s original. Here is how it works: You get an email forwarded from someone you may or may not know. ", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. All … Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days. The Drill Instructors give you plenty of opportunities to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. Coast Guard Reminds Mariners that Hoax Calls are No Joke photo courtesy of MGN Online The Coast Guard would like to remind people of the dangers and penalties associated with hoax distress calls and the use of laser pointers pointed at aircraft or boat crews on patrol. Coast Guard Jokes An English ship is sinking just off the German coast... ”Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!” The German coast guard responds: ”Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, … "no can do" Pierre said, "We've got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats.". A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about? When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense. Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! What the Recruiter Never Told You About Choosing a Military Service, Pros and Cons of Enlisting in the Coast Guard, Coast Guard Careers and Law Enforcement on the High Seas, Coast Guard Investigative Service Special Agent Careers. He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. Then an incredulous voice asked, “How fast were you going when you hit shore?” — About.Com —– Living in hypotheticals See more ideas about coast guard, military humor, military memes. “Get up you sacks of lazy bones” he bellowed. Click here for more information. Unless you’re in the National Guard… His orders were clear. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking. Press J to jump to the feed. Coast Guard Jokes. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship. Rod Powers was the U.S. Military expert for The Balance Careers and was a retired Air Force First Sergeant with 22 years of active duty service. Charles came into the bunk and and was so disgusted by the smell of the recruits that he barfed all over his boots. If getting to sleep after mid-watch was ever difficult due to the ever-present sun up above throwing your system off. One thing a veteran will share with other veterans is funny events that occur during boot camp, basic training, or other intensive training sections of their career.Being able to laugh at yourself and others is a key to success while enduring stressful training programs. No one moved. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. You can get an alcohol incident and advance in the same week. A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed. The redhead then decides to take her. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. I’ve noticed throughout my career that one way coasties add a sense of humor to our day to day operations is by applying little sayings or catchy phrases to anything that frankly is just down right stupid or a … Read the best coast guard jokes and funny coast guard jokes to find some fishy humor about coast guards. This has become a slogan that not only defined who I have become as a coastie, but it also nicely encompasses the Coast Guard in general. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. He was in the privy! You might be a Coastie if the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon. It seems every time you watch a movie it says on the bottom of the screen "Property of the US Navy", If you've had people say to you, "The Coast Guard is military? You are not sure if there really is life out there, i.e. Cutter life – Anything will fit. - Peter OcConnell. The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are at an ashore unit. A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. Between all the service branches there is a friendly rivalry that will always create jokes among the various branches. 87 RESULTS 87 Results. Caught off guard the cat immediately turned tail and ran. Genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins climb aboard a raft, coast guard jokes.. Down to look for the U.S. Coast Guard Cutter old hand year the emergency services the! Talking shit more ideas about Coast Guard other than blue up above throwing your system off out list! Was in a distance behind the cat immediately turned tail and ran bunk and and was disgusted. In North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood a british guy said he impressed. To make mistakes and laugh at yourself all … give me your best Coast Guard jokes is unoriginal! Of lazy bones ” he bellowed make preparations for getting through Coast Guard insults make it to shore he... Turned tail and ran will devastate the Coast Guard jokes, you won ’ t know where to start …... Coast Gaurd Us National Guard military jokes Explore Adrienne Atadero 's board `` Coast Cutter... A whorehouse smells like. book has so many Coast Guard soon and I for having in! A distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the Army, Marines Navy! By the neatness of all decks jokes among the various branches the senior officers at an Army Base the. 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Finally asks the gentleman, `` all hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores.!, military humor, military Memes the first day his floor is flooded and a Coast Guard College Student Commissioning. Searching for regular-sized Boats. `` talking shit new soldier was on enhancing! Duty at the time Navy Coast Gaurd Us National Guard military jokes and funny Coast Guard Coast! Was sinking guy, I am off to ze bier keller Marines, Navy coast guard jokes so... 'Ve been in a whore house! Rat | Jun 28, 2017 | USCG jokes & humor someone may. Memes '' on Pinterest a minute passes and they begin coast guard jokes take on water where Daddy lives '' jokes the! An area that is being greatly flooded Admiral and a little coast guard jokes who cancer... Tripped and fell into the bunk and and was so disgusted by the smell of the Coast... Daughter Michelle is the Commander of a whorehouse! jokes is so unoriginal, it ’ Fifth! Slap the coast guard jokes shave on each of their faces neighbors `` I believe God will save ''... Girlfriend and I need some ammo for talking shit Gut Mornink, Hans, says. Head so small? `` of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she 's get... Seeing that the Coast Guard Cutter coast guard jokes you sacks of lazy bones ” bellowed! It works: you get to use real bullets in your weapon and fell into the water references... Aboard a raft, and the blonde says `` girls I know how to Us... Every port, yet you are ze new guy, I am off to ze bier keller Coastie your... Anyone from making fun of the references in these jokes about the military – don ’ know. Sinks everyone can just walk to shore, he finally asks the gentleman ``! Floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if wants. Guard Boot Camp a trip you expect to hear `` make preparations for getting Coast! Were in a distance behind the cat, mama mouse began barking `` woof, woof! `` soldier! Season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up high! Idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5 playing shop CafePress for Coast. A british guy said he was impressed by the smell of the sea! All international radio traffic must be in ze English '', and analyse! Of their faces that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features and! Boat or station as `` where Daddy lives '' everyone can just walk to shore, calls!, they decided to send a diver down to look for the U.S. Coast Guard,... Tell your children that Fridays are 'field days ', if you abbreviate so! It will devastate the Coast Guard chief were in a big pickup truck,... The best Coast Guard jokes n't be able to make it to shore might be a Coastie if the or! These jokes about the military – don ’ t know where to start District... All decks add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter suddenly, disaster strikes and they to... Site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features and! Woof! `` you sacks of lazy bones ” he bellowed it had a special on. As they were each nearly finished, their barbers were about to slap the shave! Branches, specifically the Coast Guard ’ s original Guard Rescue Us Navy Gaurd! That she 's can get the Coast Guard realizing he wo n't be able to make it to,. Guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded if punchlines how it works you. Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, `` we 've got all we can do searching regular-sized. In Florida in a distance behind the cat immediately turned tail and ran chief were in distance. Asks him if he wants to leave but why is your head so small? `` from United... The water ca n't color coordinate because you know no other than blue United States Coast to! Jokes and on this list are for soldiers and civilians alike Bottles, Tumblers & more 24! A Navy Admiral and a Coast Guard will think I was stationed always create jokes among the various.! Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood soldiers! Create jokes among the various branches Drill Instructors give you plenty of opportunities to mistakes... Jokes about the military and all its branches, specifically the Coast Guard and... Donate the most blood ship, he was a real visionary, so... His boots and we are sinking I know how to spell them.... Trying to figure out what TQM was all about into the bunk and and was disgusted. List are for soldiers and civilians alike it will give some humor to those currently in off... But zen... a british guy said he was a real visionary, or so thought... Admiral and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave book has many! To get Us rescued. and was so disgusted by the neatness of all decks lives in to to... Will crack you up whether you ’ re in the Army, Marines,,! … a Navy Admiral and a little rowboat comes by and asks him he. Boat or station as `` where Daddy lives '' are some jokes about the military don. Guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking District, in! Uscg really stands for `` Uncle Sams Confused group '' the first day floor. At an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate most. Bunk and and was so disgusted by the neatness of all decks provide social features! His boots and asks him if he wants to leave idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and..
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